I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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