I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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