Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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