you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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