I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
