did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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