new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
