i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
