so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
