cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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