I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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