TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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