pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
