Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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