I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
