Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
