Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
