I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
