life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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