Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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