I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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