peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
