Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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