I'm sorry my penis didn't work
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
