Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
