I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
