I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i came on her dog
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
