Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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