remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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