my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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