dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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