We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
