Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
