So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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