I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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