Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
