Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
