true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
