so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Randomize
