true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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