So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
