you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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