In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
