i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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