I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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