Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
