I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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