glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
