im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
