dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
