If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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