capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
