This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
