Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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